I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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