im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
