Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
