you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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