a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
