can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
