News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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