I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
