shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
