Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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