I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
