I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
