I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
