He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
