He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
