Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
this beer tastes like vomit already
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
