I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
