Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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