YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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