My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
