You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
