She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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