I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We had sex on a dog bed..
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
