and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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