i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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