I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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