The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
