Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
