i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
