I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
