Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
