I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
