So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
