i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
