I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
