I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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