I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
