Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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