Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
