I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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