Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I have tasted many bathrooms
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
