I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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