Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
MIDGETS
????
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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