woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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