It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
