i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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