My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
