Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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