remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
