think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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